‘Who would win in a fight?’ That’s the question we would ask each other during lunch in grade school. We have gotten a couple of these in movie form: ‘Batman V Superman’, ‘Freddy vs. Jason’, or ‘Megashark vs. Giant Octopus’. I liked taking characters from different genres and matching them up like Batman vs. James Bond or John McClane vs. Hannibal Lecter. I never thought about Charles Bronson vs. Jason Voorhees. ‘Cry Havoc’ is what happens when a 13 year old (or a much older director Rene Perez) holds onto that question and makes a movie with no budget, vision, or proper audio. 

Cry Havoc image

Bring me the girl or I’ll star in ‘The Magnificent Dirty Deathwish 7: Electric Boogaloo’

There are only 4 actual characters in ‘Cry Havoc’ and I didn’t learn their names, just what I refer to them as. “Shmarles Bronson” is the cop looking for an actress. “Not Anna Farris” is a reporter who is interviewing the villain “The bad guy from Kindergarten Cop” (BGKC).  Havoc is the hillbilly Voorhees stand-in with a machete that looks like it came out of a Capcom game. BGKC has Havoc as some kind of serial killer for entertainment because… reasons? This plot makes no sense. Much like a hypochondriac orgy, I feel bad for everyone involved. 

Robert Bronzi (his actual name) has a shockingly close resemblance to Charles Bronson. The only closer resemblance I can think of is Jay Z to Troy Aikman. If you like boobs and bad gore, you may like ‘Cry Havoc’. The only other positives of this movie are the moments you remember BGKC from Kindergarten Cop. 

Most areas of this movie were poorly executed. The audio is by far the worst thing next to the oddly placed hip hop beats during the horror parts of the movie. The practical effects were some of the worst I’ve seen which surprises me since going into this, I assumed that would be one of the high points. Jump scares with blaring loud audio was really poorly done and jarring in the worst way possible. I’m unsure what the feel they were going for was supposed to be but it didn’t hit any notes with me. 

Check out ‘Cry Havoc’ if you like cheesy horror and Charles Bronson knockoffs. As always I am Tim McDonald, your movie watching stunt double. I am looking for hidden gems or movies that you feel don’t get enough recognition. Hit me up with ideas for movies you want me to review and come up with bad jokes about.