Just because a movie makes a ton of money that doesn’t mean it’s a good movie. But let’s start at an earlier point of my relationship with the Jurassic Park franchise. I distinctly remember picking up the Michael Crichton novel when I was in 6th grade. I had no idea what it was about but I knew that it had something to do with Dinosaurs. I read it at least three times. That same year the movie hit theaters and changed the way I looked at cinema forever. Dinosaurs speak to the kid in all of us and a movie that brought them back to life in the current world was amazing. It spawned toys, video games, and a couple of sequels. I remember not liking the first sequel, The Lost World, when I was younger but that movie has actually grown on me. The third installment was good enough and it entertained me. Jurassic World posterSo you can imagine how excited I was for this summer’s sure to be blockbuster hit, Jurassic World. I bought my IMAX 3D tickets for opening day and headed for the theater.

There are rare occasions when a movie is so uninteresting to me that I want to leave the theater before it’s even over. Jurassic World is one of those movies. I’m normally one of those people who can at least enjoy a movie for what it is, but to this day (nearly a week later) I still have a bad taste in my mouth. The first thing that bothered me even before going to see it was knowing that the movie was going to totally ignore the events of the sequels. Excuse me? The Lost World was actually the REAL sequel to the original, book and all. I find that completely arrogant that you can’t find a way to pay tribute to the “franchise” and instead you decide to make the world your own. That was their first mistake. Here’s another thing that really bothered me, the trailers. Nearly every “good” event that happens in the movie is already spoiled by what they showed to hype the film. So you can imagine my boredom as I sat through scene after scene of what I already knew was happening. I’ve heard my friends say that they don’t watch trailers anymore because of this reason, but there are some intelligent marketing teams out there that create trailers that don’t give away the whole damn movie. I think that Universal should take a note or two from them.

The biggest problem for me though is that there is NOTHING new about this film. Yeah it’s great to see the dinosaurs again but at the same time it’s just like a line from the movie, people are USED to seeing them. That is how I felt sitting there throughout the entire film as shit hit the fan and people ran from the genetically engineered monsters… again.  The acting from the main cast was decent enough but I hated the supporting cast. The wanna-be Jeff Goldblum character who had humor at inappropriate times, the over usage of crying, the bullshit Spielbergian dynamics, I could go on and on but I won’t. Not even Chris Pratt’s charm could save it. How Bryce Dallas Howard could outrun a T-Rex in heels I will never know, and it keeps me up at night thinking about it. Vincent D’Onofio’s character was plain and predictable, very disappointing after his triumphant characterization of the Kingpin in Marvel’s Daredevil series on Netflix. The writing just plain sucked in this movie and that is a huge disappointment. I expected better out of Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver who did such a good job with the screenplays on both of the new Planet of the Apes movies. Maybe it was all Colin Trevorrow, yeah let’s blame that guy. Please get some more credit under your wing before you take on a classic franchise.

I’ll give the movie one thing. The concept behind controlling the raptors was great, but those scenes were not as cool because I saw them a hundred times before even watching the movie. The In-Gen hostile takeover reminded me of the events from The Lost World, but this time it was all military stuff. Creating weapons out of dinosaurs and stuff like that, I don’t care it’s obviously not going to work. I thought maybe that the ending would save it for me and redeem the entire 2 hours, a big reason why I didn’t leave, then again my wife was with me. But no. The biggest twist of the movie, that the Indominus Rex had raptor DNA in it, was ruined for me before viewing as well! So when the raptors turn against Pratt, I sat there kicking myself. Oh, and at the end when the raptor and T-Rex decide to tag-team the Indominus and then the giant effing dino-fish thing eats it ala Deep Blue Sea, I nearly punched myself in the face. Jurassic World

Do I recommend this film to people? Sure why not, you’re going to go see it anyways. It’s a good popcorn munching movie for the masses and its sure to be a hit with the people out there who have been begging for a film without superheroes. My wife loved it, my friends liked it, I hate this movie. This is my flop for 2015. I won’t even pick it up on Blu-Ray to complete my collection, not even from a bargain bin. Well maybe from a bargain bin, at DEEP discount.

Dear Universal, get a different team for the sure to be sequel. Oh and maybe retcon the fact that the other two films do exist. Thank you.