SPOILERS: If you are concerned about 17 year old spoilers you likely aren’t reading this due to still being on dial up internet and exploring Geocities and Tripod websites.
Welcome back. For this years holiday gifts I am watching movies my friends and family pick out and writing my makeover reviews as holiday gifts. This gives them peace of mind that the general public has been alerted about their most hated movie. The idea here is that I watch bad movies so you don’t have to. I make fun of them and warn you about the terrible-ness of the movies. I will also explain how I would make this film better. If you have seen a bad movie that you want to warn others about, put the title of the movie in the comment area below and there’s a good chance that I’ll review it for you. Also, if you think you would write this movie better than me comment below as well. Thank you for your support.
For my first review in the “Gift Series” I am reviewing a movie chosen by my mother “8 Heads in a Duffel Bag.” Her hatred for this movie is no secret to me, so this was an easy choice. For starters, this POS will likely be on some cable channel a number of times once it’s old enough to be considered a ‘comedy classic.’ Joe Pesci is funny at times but his Tommy DeVito-like character is out of place in this “Can’t Buy Me Love” feeling dark comedy. There is a certain wackiness to this movie that reminds me of all of those terrible 80s comedies, even though this came out in ‘97. Not sure at what I’m talking about? Here’s a small list of 80s comedy zaniness:
- National Lampoon’s Movie Madness
- Leonard Part 6
- Smokey and the Bandit II and III
- Cannonball Run
- The Incredible Shrinking Woman
- Night Shift
- Valley Girl
- Police Academy: All of them
- Just One of the Guys
- Once Bitten
- Back to School
- One Crazy Summer
- Peggy Sue Got Married
- Soul Man
- Cherry 2000
- Ernest: All of them
- Dangerous Curves
- Working Girl
- Can’t Buy Me Love
This is normally the part where a piece-by-piece analysis would take place, but 8 Heads doesn’t deserve the effort put in to do that but my mom does. So instead of doing the normal review, I will be pointing out some of the things I noticed about the dumbness of this god-awful piece of drivel.
How did they mix the bags up? The average human head weighs 10lbs; 8 heads would be at least 80lbs. An average outfit is anywhere between 2 – 6 pounds. Unless he packed for a month in the arctic, there is no way these bags could get confused. Pesci is walking around with this bag commonly in one hand. I’m sorry but an 80 pound bag would not be so easy to carry one handed by a 5’4” 50 year old.
How did a young Andy Comeau ever hook up with a young Kristy Swanson? I mean, come on. She’s way too good looking for him. His face looks like lady parts and she’s the original Buffy. I call shenanigans.
Are we supposed to believe George “Tanning Bed” Hamilton and Dyan “Ru’afo” Cannon mash their genitals together and come up with Kristy Swanson? Their child should look like an old Klingon.
What is this mafia boss planning on doing with 8 human heads? Seriously, what’s the end game? Jars of formaldehyde for a nice display in an armoire? Mount them on spikes? Sex acts? I don’t know but it’s funny how not one person in this movie is even curious.
The oddest part of this train-wreck is the 8 heads singing “Mr. Sandman”. Pesci’s character, who up to this point has shown no signs of mental illness, hallucinates the 8 heads singing and the decapitated bodies attacking him in some kind of weird Morlock-like attack sequence. If you can get through that scene without thinking “this is the worst thing ever” you have a far more open mind than I.
After getting some advice from another columnist, I want to address the question “How could this be better?” It’s easy to tear something down but how would I make this movie and how would it not be so bad? Well if I had to make 8 heads, first I would go for more realism. If I was going to transport 8 heads across the country I would likely rent a car, keep the heads in the trunk, maintain the speed limit, talk to as few people as possible and not stop for anything. That would be a really boring movie but at least you can identify with the main character not being a total idiot. He would get into an accident with his car where he hits three guys on a road trip, they would see the heads and he would kidnap them. As it turns out, the guys are horrible in some way (murderers, sex offenders, etc.) but they are rich so they get away with it and now you aren’t sure who to root for. Dark hilarity ensues from there.
I would replace Pesci with Kelsey Grammer and the three guys would be Seth Rogen, Michael Cera, and John Francis Daley. The initial plot is actually usable but I would address what the boss wants to do with the heads. I’m thinking something weird and sexual would be implied but it would turn out to use them for mannequins in order for him to have a human sized chess set.
Tell me what you think. My idea good or bad? Have another movie I should make over? Leave your comments below and thanks for reading.