Jurassic World: The Musical now on Broadway

Jurassic World: The Musical now on IMAX, the image really jumps off the screen

With Jurassic World hitting theaters recently (when this was written) I thought I should check out some other dinosaur movies to see if there was a gem out there to be had. I checked out the first 6 minutes of Dino King and realized it is for really little kids so I stopped. Not for young kids, it was made for pygmy dwarf children and action figure models. If you have very little ones they may love it and it’s on Netflix so if you got that then it won’t cost you anything. Then I found what I was looking for. The next movie in my Netflix queue that had dinosaurs stars none other than Treat Williams and Ronny Cox: Age of Dinosaurs.

The Asylum’s patented combination of C-actors, haphazard CGI, and a patchwork script is at it’s best in this straight-to-DVD Netflix-when-you’re-drunk disasterpiece. There is something about an Asylum movie that I like that I know others don’t. People will tell me “I like to watch a bad movie sometimes” and I try to explain that they don’t really understand. Don’t get me wrong, this movie is bad but it’s not bottom of the barrel by a long shot. This is no The Wolves of Savin Hill or The Demon’s Rook. It’s just bad, not dropping your spoon in your hot soup level terrible.

I don't know who you are. I don't know what... are you sure it's mine, I mean there was 6 of us

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what… are you sure it’s mine, I mean there was 6 of us

Williams and Cox are phoning it in pretty hard. I’m surprised this wasn’t sponsored by Boost Mobile (badum ching). They both give off this feeling of a passive script read. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were given their scripts that day. They other actors are right out of an actor’s seminar or something equally terrible. Learn to act in 30 minutes by Andrew Dice Clay “Hey it’s me, the Dice Man, give all of your lines like you are telling a knock knock joke, if you want to look sad: eat a lemon, happy: think of puppies, scared: shake a lot. Bah-da-boom you’re a friggin actor.” Then he does that thing where he puts his arm around his head and smokes from the other side.

There's a certain majesty to watching a woman with a miniature horse

There’s a certain majesty to watching a woman with a miniature horse

I get that Asylum films are low budget on purpose but at least make an effort to get the visual effects in the right ballpark. Jurassic Park was made 22 years ago, you should at least be able to attempt to match that. I get that it was ILM and had a huge budget at the time but all poorly done CGI dinosaurs just doesn’t cut it. I get that Asylum doesn’t lose money and their strategy is good but is it really your goal to aim for the middle? What happened in your life that you are OK with being the money grubbing crap that people generally hate? Not enough hugs? Improperly potty trained? Aim higher Asylum, you can do it.

I wonder why they spent all that money on adding the Cops using CGI

I wonder why they spent all that money on adding the Cops using CGI

I have some ideas for making Age of Dinosaurs a better movie. Scale it down and go for more of an Alien kind of movie with one dinosaur. It has to start somewhere. Let’s say their first dinosaur they made was a small Velociraptor that turned out to be far more dangerous than expected. For safety, the dino was only accessible in an underground base with 8 scientist and 3 guards. Before they know what’s wrong the raptor takes out 2 guards and 5 scientists. Now it is down to our hero Treat Williams and the scientists left, one of which is Cox, to take this small fast dino out before it kills them all. I think taking Alien and changing it to a dinosaur is a novel way to still rip off existing ideas and serve it in a way that feels a bit more original than almost the exact plot and sequences of Jurassic Park.

As always I am Tim McDonald, your movie watching stunt double. Hit me up on Twitter or Facebook to make suggestions or comments. I want to thank my all of my Facebook friends for their suggestions for one of the images. Kurt Hoffman and Michael S. won for their comment.