Like many of you I owned every single Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (TMNT) action figure. I had the duck guy, anorexic Shredder, Casey Jones, baseball Raphael, Indian chief Leonardo, Donatello with the backpack shell, and pro-wrestler Michelangelo (I could look up the real names but I don’t want to see how lame they are now, I would rather live with my memories). They were easily the coolest thing when I was little and if you didn’t have any, you were lame. When they announced there was a reboot in part by Nickelodeon and Paramount, I was apprehensive but hopeful. As soon as I heard Michael Bay Jr. was producing and Jonathan Liebesman was directing, I knew it was going to be bad. TMNT did not disappoint in being a giant let down. If you really want to see something about TMNT, just read the comics. At least the comics don’t have lens flairs.
The story is basically the same. Turtles and a rat get exposed to mutagen in a sewer, grow while developing human characteristics and are trying to save the city from the foot clan. There was a lot of bullshittery going into making this movie. Shredder was supposed to be Eric Sacks (William Fichtner), they were going to be aliens, and at one point they were from another dimension entirely. I honestly think that The Blue Door was leaked so when the movie came out they would hope people would think “At least they weren’t aliens.” Sorry Paramount but not even lowered expectations could save this rubbish.
If you want to see all the negatives about this movie you can read any other review and they are all correct. This is a What not to Watch movie for a reason, but I want to touch on what they did correctly. The turtles themselves felt right. They were teenagers in the sense that they annoyed me as do most teens. Shaky cam doesn’t even begin to explain the complete lack of tripods used in this film. I highly recommend taking headache meds before attempting to watch but it does make you feel like you are there if you happen to have neck tremors. Shredder was an Asian guy, so they got that correct.
Put the movie aside for a moment, what were the original creators on when they came up with this idea? Turtles aren’t fast nor do they give off the impression that they know any martial arts (except for possibly Modern Tai Chi). At least the Battletoads were frogs which hop. That’s something. Hell, even Biker Mice from Mars were giant rats. I’m pretty sure some rats in NYC could give people a run for their money. I just wish I had that level of conviction to get an idea like that across. If the TMNT didn’t exist, I would have a really hard time pitching that to anyone. “Ok, so they are turtles… Yeah, turtles…with the shells. And they know Ninjutsu… Yeah from Japan… I said turtles… Hello?” That would be the end of my pitch.
I think I could do a better job remaking this movie myself. I mean, me in a one man show entitled “Tim McDonald is the TMNT.” I would do every voice and enact fight scenes with me and a Real Doll in a foam shredder outfit. At least the possibility of me breaking the Real Doll and having to call their customer support does create some suspense. In all seriousness I feel that the main fault here is Michael Bay Jr. and his sandy production company. I want a remake geared towards adults. How long can they be teenagers for? I want “Thirty-something Mutant Ninja Turtles” where they have jobs and mortgages. I want to see Raph in a cubical snap and break his desk with a roundhouse kick. Leo needs to be a head coach to a soccer team for pre-teens and his half turtle son a laughing stock of the team. That is the kind of Turtle Power I’m talking about.
I am Tim McDonald your movie watching stunt double and I would like to thank you for all the suggestions. I have my work cut out for me with movies that came out in 2014. Feel free to hit me up on Facebook or Twitter by searching for Infinitylantern. Thanks for reading!