I'm HandiCapable, Bitch. Shoryuken

I’m HandiCapable, Bitch. Shoryuken!!!

(Warning: Spoilers) I won’t lie to you, I hate Nicolas Cage. There are very few famous people I could say I hate. Hitler, Serial Murderers, and Nicolas Cage are the three that come to mind. Like Hitler, Nicolas Cage hurt the world in a very serious and irreversible way that will affect all people for decades, possibly centuries. Offensive jokes aside, Nicolas Cage is terrible and needs to not be in any more movies. I’m not saying that every movie he is in is bad. I am saying every movie he is in is worse because of him. His Wikipedia page should have the category acting in quotes. Nicolas Cage is a spastic idiot and he plays a spastic idiot is every movie he’s in. He spells his name “Nicolas” using the French spelling, which for some reason makes me hate him more. I may have to write a separate article about my hatred for Nicolas Cage. Cage starred in this abomination put to film called Rage.

You maniacs... you blew it up... why God?... Damn you... Damn you all to Hell!!!

You maniacs… you blew it up… why God?… Damn you… Damn you all to Hell!!!

Rage is about some jobber played by Cage, former criminal turned politician, trying to find his daughter that has been supposedly kidnapped and killed. He starts killing a bunch of people and as it turns out she was killed in an accident and left in the woods by her “friends”. What kind of friends accidentally kill each other and dump the body in the woods? They were playing with guns. This movie was a giant PSA. The message: “Don’t play with guns kids.” Then when he finds out it was one of the teenage boys trying to bang his daughter like an old screen door, he doesn’t even kill him. What the actual hell, Cage? Everyone dies in this movie but he didn’t even have the sticktoitiveness to kill the person that actually killed his daughter. He had no problem Liam Neesoning every Russian he could find but wouldn’t actually kill the cause of the problem. What a douche.

“A movie was so bad, the cast started killing each-other, just so that it would end.” – Scott L. from Facebook.

originalI would like to take this time to mention a portion of terrible Nicolas Cage movies: A Thousand Words, Deadfall, Trespass, Trapped in Paradise, Fire Birds, Rage, The Wicker Man, Stolen, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, The Life of David Gale, Left Behind, Christmas Carol – The Movie, Amos & Andrew, G-Force, 8MM, Sonny, Gone in 60 Seconds (Gone in Sixty Seconds), Ghost Rider, Seeking Justice, Next, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Windtalkers, Knowing, Zandalee, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Snake Eyes, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, National Treasure, Drive Angry, Astro Boy (AstroBoy), The Family Man, Con Air, The Weather Man, City of Angels, Guarding Tess, Vampire’s Kiss, Outcast, Season of the Witch, Bangkok Dangerous. If you like any of these movies, you are wrong. Yes, opinions can be wrong and yours is.

The action was just awful due to way too much shaky cam and seemingly no real choreography. Odd lingering establishing shots that were at least a few seconds too long just made it weird. Nothing in this movie was remarkable or cool. Even Danny Glover as an old cop, Peter Stormare as a crazy accented guy, and Rachel Nichols attractiveness couldn’t do anything for this shitacular movie.

I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was just cutting onions

I’m sorry, what were you saying? I was just cutting onions

I changed my mind, I will use this article to explain why I hate Nic Cage. His uncle is Francis Ford Coppola and he changed his name to avoid nepotism. That would be good if that actually worked that way. Everyone knows Coppola is his uncle, the only people that wouldn’t would be your standard passive moviegoer. He wants them to think “wow, I haven’t heard of any actors named Cage and he’s a big star, he must be good.” Not only that, Coppola put Cage in Rumble Fish, The Cotton Club and Peggy Sue Got Married. No nepotism my ass. He wouldn’t be anywhere right now if it wasn’t for being someone’s nephew. It annoys me when someone has the attitude “I did this all on my own” and they had the cushiest time in the world. If you had help admit it and own it but don’t try and pretend you got there on skill, you talentless knob.

I don't even know what emotion this face is trying to convey

I don’t even know what emotion this face is trying to convey

I would remake this movie by forcing Nicolas Cage to have passionate love scenes with Clint Howard, bit by large dogs without safety pads, do all of his own stunts involving chandeliers made of knives covered in lemon juice, and various scenes where I keep having to cut due to Cage being unable to not overact all Charlton Heston style. I would change the title to “My Rage towards Nic Cage” and the soundtrack would be done by me and my Casio keyboard just so I would have more money to torture Cage with. Knife chandeliers don’t pay for themselves.

As always I am Tim McDonald, your movie watching stunt double. Hit me up on Twitter or Facebook to make suggestions or comments. I have a good sized list of movies to review but I am always open to recommendations or requests.