Super Mario Bros 01RIP Bob Hoskins, you will be missed

Before I begin this review I would like to seriously recognize Bob Hoskins (10/26/1942 – 4/29/2014) as being one the greatest actors that just so happens to end up in some real terrible movies.  Some examples of this include Raul Julia (Street Fighter), Ed O’Neill (K9: PI), Dennis Hopper (See below) and Robert De Niro (Rocky and Bullwinkle). Hoskins was in a movie in 1986 called “Mona Lisa” in which he played a former convict that was driving around a call girl.  I highly recommend checking out “Mona Lisa”.  Hoskins won 9 Best Actor Awards internationally (including a BAFTA Award), a Golden Globe and was nominated for an Oscar (He lost the Best Actor award to Paul Newman for “The Color of Money”).  From “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” to “Hook”, Bob Hoskins was in a number of my favorite movies as a kid and he was a great that will truly be missed.  And now for your regularly scheduled review: of Super Mario Bros.

Super Mario Bros 02“Which way into town?” “Back the way you came.”

Chaz recently interviewed J.P Perez who is working on Ronin of the Mushari Kingdom. Since this interview was done Chaz suggested I review something relevant and write a review on it.  I can’t think of anything more relevant than the “Super Mario Bros.” movie made in 1993.  Not even the great Bob Hoskins could save this movie but at least it was pretty entertaining for a 10 year old Tim McDonald.

The plot was pretty complex for 10 year old me to understand but watching it as an adult I realized it wasn’t complicated. It just doesn’t make any sense. Two plumbers find a girl and they follow her and her captors through a dimensional door that leads them to a world where dinosaurs evolved into humans.  After this it gets weird. King Koopa (Dennis Hopper) wants to merge the two universes by bringing all the pieces of the asteroid that hit Earth millions of years ago back together.  He also has weapons that devolve people back to dinosaurs.

Super Mario Bros 04I swear, it was that long

Annabel Jankel and Rocky Morton directed this movie as well as “Max Headroom” the movie and TV series. For those of you that think Max Headroom is ‘cool’ and ‘retro’, don’t watch it again.  Just keep that in the place in your mind that thinks older games are better and High School was awesome.

Super Mario Bros 05Hoskins can’t believe he’s watching this garbage either

The acting in this movie wasn’t terrible; the characters, set design, and script on the other hand are.  I’m not here to beat this movie up; other people have no issue doing that.  I want to applaud the movie for the amount of references to the game they managed to fit in the movie. For starters, everything is Koopa something.  On top of the Koopa spam, we got Big Bertha, Thwomp, Bullet Bill, Hammer Brothers, Bobombs, Wiggler, Toad, Rexx, Fryguy, Sparky, and of course Yoshi.

Super Mario Bros 06Hattori Hanzo said the Wakizashi is for the bathtub


Super Mario Bros 07Pop quiz, Hotshot.

I feel Daisy’s character should be a message to women as to what not to do.  Luigi gives his pay phone usage to Daisy and gives her a quarter.  She then approaches and thanks Luigi.  He asks if she’s ok, she gives a generic response where he then says “We have a van.” I call this creep factor 1. He then tells her that he knows her name because he was listening to her phone call. Creep factor 2. Then the older mustachioed brother offers her a ride. She actually says “That might not be a bad idea.”  Are you kidding me? That might be a terrible idea.  This is how 90% of the shows on Investigative Discovery start. She decides to take him to the excavation site, alone, at night, with no security.  No one knows where she is.  She even tells him when they get there; we don’t even have any security.  This is a public service: DO NOT DO WHAT DAISY DOES.

Super Mario Bros 08Apparently, in the dinosaur universe they don’t have laws for age of consent or gambling

Overall, this movie is pretty fun.  If you love Super Mario anything you will at least think this movie is tolerable. It doesn’t hold up to time very well but video game movies are notoriously bad.  At least it isn’t Bloodrayne.

Super Mario Bros 09My precious…