I am happy to be back writing reviews. It’s been a while but I want to jump right in. After looking over some of the old requests, I saw a request for Steve Austin movies. Someone wanted it, so you get it.

Coming this summer, one catchers mitt and one redneck in Secret Home Bases

I grew up watching “Stone Cold” Steve Austin flipping off his boss, kicking ass, and Stone Cold Stunning everyone in his way. With that kind of experience, you would assume he would make a good action star. For the most part, he’s not too bad. Don’t get me wrong he isn’t Dwayne Johnson but he isn’t Mathew Karedas either. Out of a possible AHNOLD he gets 2 Brian Bosworths. Unfortunately, Maximum Conviction doesn’t rate so highly on its own.

Steven Seagal plays… Steven Seagal (I don’t remember his name in the movie since it was used 2 or 3 times at most; at this point I can’t name any character he has ever played since they are all the same), a man who has no real identity besides tough guy. I don’t know if he’s going for Native American, Asian, Caucasian, or a combo of some others but I can’t for the life of me figure out his cultural makeup. He mumble-whispers the whole movie making me wonder if he has an accent or a Big League Chew addiction. I know he can fight in real life, but when he delivers his lines it’s similar to the Hulk with a Traumatic Brain Injury.

Steve Austin plays ‘generic bulky redneck’. He and Seagal are friends (despite sharing less than 10 minutes of actual screen time) that seem to have a history of military service. If Seagal fights like a scalpel, Austin fights like a chainsaw suffering from gout in one of his ECW matches. He hobbles around just fine while mercilessly killing everyone in his way. For some reason he can out-limp bullets no problem but has a hard time not saying ‘fuck’ in almost all of his sentences. It seems like he is trying to get out all the bottled curse words from his Hollywood Blondes days. So far the best movie associated with Austin is Stone Cold starring Brian Bosworth (which currently has a higher Rotten Tomatoes rating than The Condemned and also doesn’t have Steve Austin in it).

You gonna eat that cornbread?

There’s a part where a convict name Roach (portrayed by Gouchy Boy) attacks Samantha (Steph Song) and he is likely going to rape her. I know that rapists are evil people but I also know all criminals aren’t rapists nor are they inherently evil. Just because a guy goes to prison doesn’t mean he wants to rape, pillage, and plunder like Johnny Depp in makeup. He gets stopped by Charlotte (Aliyah O’Brien) and shortly after Samantha is sexually threatened by Charlotte with a 2×4. It bothers me that almost all villains in movies are rapists. In Maximum Conviction Roach and Charlotte both threaten to rape Samantha only because they are the only people in the movie besides our ‘heroes’ (they killed 22 people between them) to interact with them. I’m sure if more of the bad guys talked to Samantha they would have wanted to rape her as well. This bothers me. Not all criminals are rapists. You are dropping the ball Hollywood. Get your shit together.

I am Tim McDonald, your movie watching stunt double. Hit me up on Twitter or Facebook to make suggestions or comments.